Producers take to the streets to celebrate the casting of Matt Damon in ‘The Great Wall’

-Saumitra Khullar

‘This is an unprecedented breakthrough in the fight against the propagation of diversity and equality in Hollywood,’ say moviemakers whilst celebrating on the streets of L.A.”

LOS ANGELES — The decision to cast A-List actor, and Academy Award winner Matt Damon as a Chinese warrior in the upcoming war epic “The Great War” has been the talk of the town — leaving audiences largely polarized on whether the move promotes racial stereotypes, or whether it serves as a revolutionary step in cinema history.

Saying it should be very clear that absolutely nothing can change their position on the matter, the producers of the movie told the rest of the nation Tuesday that no amount of open letters, rational arguments or ‘misleading’ statistics could sway them.

The announcement was issued by China Film Group Corporation — the production house responsible for making the movie — and emphasized that if widespread condemnations of the propagation of racial stereotypes in Hollywood, and the denouncements of the lack of roles for other races in high budget films could do anything to change their mind, it would’ve happened already.

“You can keep writing editorials, organizing boycotts, and arguing with us, but honestly, it wouldn’t change a thing,” said actor and diehard supporter Regina Phalange, 52, who deemed articles written by critics against this decision in fledgling news forums such as The Atlantic “an utter waste of time and effort,” suggesting that prominent Asian American celebrities who are visibly angered by this are only “envious of Damon’s race, talent, and abilities.”

“The truth is, we want to do justice to the historical context in which the movie is set, and so casting a nerdy, Chinese guy would be an injustice to the warrior we are depicting” Phalange continued. “Being the docile sidekicks, Chinese actors are only meant to be cannon fodder in action films.”

The producers declared that their message was aimed at all those who sought to convince them that propagating these allegedly “oppressive racial stereotypes” is against their own morals as citizens of the US. They claimed that above all, the primary reason they support this casting choice is to promote a healthy meritocracy in the nation. “The notion of an Asian playing the lead role of a decorated hero in a movie of this magnitude is as ludicrous as that of Hilary Clinton not being responsible for her emails. Unlike us Caucasians, they are cowardly and impotent in the face of adversity,” said Casting Director Adam Mill, as he cowered under his bed after spotting a lizard on a nearby wall. “Asians lack the moral compass of democracy and human rights and are plagued by a backward patriarchal culture that

can only be eradicated by a westerner messiah who delivers them from their plight — much like we have seen in history.”

According to the Da(e)mons, as the coalition of movie makers is now being called, Asians must be depicted as either harmless fools, or ruthless criminals, triad members, and unscrupulous arch villains, for the sake of providing a realistic depiction of what is otherwise a grossly misunderstood culture. “Hollywood should spread awareness of real-world issues. We are talking about foreigners with supernatural powers! They want to enslave Americans!” exclaimed a worried youth from Nebraska. Upon being informed that this contradicts their own agenda of ‘promoting a healthy meritocracy,’ movie officials were quick to point out that they had been exposed to such ironies in facts for a number of years and had still formed backward, misinformed views and that it was hence futile to argue with them.

They added that evidence that the massive generalizations about the race in movies often manifests as oppression and bullying in real life, is of no consequence to them whatsoever and never will be.

As the debate over the apparent use of yellowface rages on, the director does concede to having reconsidered his decision on the issue. “Well, it’s not as if I simply stood by this decision right from the start. I’ll admit that like many others, I too was disappointed with the casting. I felt that Mr. Damon was too handsome and talented to play an Asian. A real Asian character, should adhere to the traditional ‘ching-chong’ stereotype– tiny, greedy, and sexless — a stark contrast to dashing Mr. Damon” said Director Zhang Yimou, 54, and a resident of Beijing. “It was only after I saw the sheer amount of money that the production team had spent on CGI to make Damon look more ‘authentic’ that I was truly satisfied.