The Jargon Glossary
The Best Academic Glossary Ever: Navigating Transgressive Sesquipedalian Language
(or if that’s too long: The Only Academic Glossary You Need To Ace Finals)
Picture this: You’re in a 10:10, running on 4 hours of sleep, and some fucker who’s actually done the reading is saying words. That make sense. Or at least sound like they do. (Not that you’d know.) The professor’s speaking in a different language altogether. You contemplate logging off, but you’ve used your three permitted absences, so you fall asleep in front of the screen, and are rudely awoken by notifications from the course Whatsapp group.
“What are you guys thinking of doing for the final paper?”
“Idk man, I might just do Really Obscure Topic 1”
“But what about Really Obscure Topic 2, that’d be interesting”
There are 500 messages talking about the same thing, and you panic because you understand none of them.
In these moments, the extremely distinguished and qualified folks at Kalinga are here for you. (Even when your extremely distinguished and qualified professors are at Krea.)
The simplest trick behind acing a liberal arts essay is using a strategic set of words. They’re like magic spells: an academic “Khulja Sim Sim”, if you will. Use them at least five times a day to get guaranteed A’s and Smart Kid Points.
“But Kalinga,” you ask this article, “Where do we find these words?”
Lucky for you, you can find them right here. We’ve compiled The Best Glossary in the History of Glossaries. Read on to find a guide to any essay you will ever need to write, and for that matter, any conversation you will never need to have in college.
Metaphysical
Refers to when you met a physical body. SH5 residents, you can use this to talk about your juice boxes, seeing as you’re not meeting anything else.
Intertextuality
The process of using someone’s texts to decipher their level of interest. Also known as the process of wondering if they hate you because they’ve used a full stop.
Praxis
A summoning call for Prakrit members. If you say this word three times in the mirror, one party email will appear in your inbox. It won’t be too important, it’s just to let you know the summoning is Still Working.
Neoliberal
Like we said, we’re super qualified and distinguished, so we’ll let you in on a little secret. No one really knows what this word means. But it goes with everything. Just go wild using it, man.
Juxtapose
A fancy food name. Pronounce it as “joo-stuh-posé” so you don’t embarrass yourself when you order it.
Obfuscate
Derived from “fusscat”, which is a unit of measurement equal to ten messcats.
Confines
The monetary compensation you give to someone you have conned. You know, the monetary compensation college should give us.
Liminal
The dude who wrote and starred in Hamilton.
Recontextualisation
A mission to obtain information by visual observation or other detection methods, about the activities and resources of an enemy or potential enemy, or about the meteorologic, hydrographic, or geographic characteristics of a particular area.
Edit: we’ve just been informed that’s reconnaissance. But if we didn’t see the difference, no one else will.
Framework
The thing they do in crime shows where the real killer makes everyone suspect someone else.
Economy/politics of…
Prefix for something that an economics or political science major would say. To use these words in a paper, you must defend the free market and play devil’s advocate on at least two occasions.
Circumvent
Synonym for “circlejerk”, which is essentially what all of academia is.
Teleology
The science of the song Telephone by Lady Gaga and Beyonce. Use this when you want your professor to be too distracted by the song to care about what you’ve written.
Epistemology
Being pissed at STEM majors. They truly deserve it, and you have nothing to fear. What are they gonna do, aggressively write the quadratic formula?
Systemic
The process of forgiving STEM majors. Why would you do that?
Subjectivities
Refers to your duties as the subjects of the Royal University Administration.
Ontological
The practice of thinking on your toes, typically when you join a DS unprepared.
Hermeneutics
If you think this sounds like an insult, you’re absolutely right! Derived from the extremely offensive, anger-inducing root, “men”, this word will give your paper the scathing edge it needs.
Acculturation
The process by which all Ashokans start to use these words in casual conversation.
-Written by Shreya Khobragade
